The countdown is ON!!

This deployment is slowly coming to an end! I never really thought that I would keep myself busy for the last 5 months but some how I have! Feels so unreal that in just X amount of weeks I will finally be able to be with him again.

I have had some great family and friends help me through and i owe them my life! I dont know what i would have done without them.

Wedding update: I bought my WEDDING DRESS!!!! ahhh just thinking about it makes me want to go to the store and wear it! By the time the dress is done, it will be completely one of a kind. I have having it custom made to fit (cause my body is WEIRDLY shaped) and then after all the alterations it is going to be a completely different dress! I cant wait for him to see it..

Just 8 more months or 255 days until I have Mrs. Kendall <3

yayyy!

We are just around the half way mark! and in that first half has been some crazy changes.

We first, Kyle told me that he no longer wants to stay with HMLA- 267 and wanted to follow is dream of MARSOC. It took alot of talking over but he is going through with it. All the big shots signed off on it and he has been accepted to A&S screening in April.

And I scared shitless. I just think of him never being around and the worst thing possible happening- losing him forever. But the good news is that we will now be in NC after the wedding which means ill be abouit 45 mins from my sisters and a 12 hour drive home!

Trying to see the bright side of things for a change... we will see how long it lasts!

i wish everyone is required to take social work in school.. that way they learn to not always think of themselves..

and i wish i enjoyed my friends company at home... is it time to move yet?

I WANT...

I want this deployment to be over
I want to relive the beginning of our relationship
I want to actually feel like im in a relationship..


I feel so alone. I wait on the computer everynight after work to talk to Kyle. We talk for a little and then i'm all alone until the next day. I don't even feel like i'm in a relationship anymore none the less ENGAGED. Maybe its asking alot but a few cute comments while we talk wouldn't hurt... or the letter I was promised... or the emailed I was also promised.

Or anything that makes me feel like he still cares...


On the other hand,

The wedding planning is going great. The church, venue, caterer, DJ and photographer are all booked. Went to the hotel today to block off rooms but the lady wasnt working so i'll be getting in touch with her this week. Next on my list is to start looking for a dress! Veryyyy exciteddd!!

341 days til the wedding!

Thanks alot =(

Just a little reassurance from time to time would be nice. But do I get that? NOPE. I get "cut it out" and "stop".

I'm just so scared. I'm scared that hes gunna stop loving me, or hes gunna think he made a mistake or that he doesnt miss me. So normally I would just write my feelings here and look for reassurance from space but this ONE time I told him how I was feeling and I got "cut it out". I didnt even get an i love you.

So now I'm not gunna be able to sleep because i'm going to be over analyzing every word of our conversations.

But we will see how he responds to the email that I sent him. Hopefully I got my point across.

Is this stupid deployment over yet?

That sure came out of no where

Well needless to say I got a very surprising phone call yesterday. Kyle called and said that he no longer agrees with the reception venue. Alll because the caterer cost too much. Well we exchanged words and I cried a lot but still nothing got fixed. Hoped he would call today but nothing yet.

I guess its back to the drawing board to get more prices for caterers to try and convince him that this is where I want my wedding.

It never does end.

Planning this wedding without him is 20 million times harder than this deployment.

Some days are just plain hard

Like today...

Yes, getting a phone call is amazing. As I pick up the phone at work and say "Good afternoon, This is Colleen" I pray that I will hear "Hi Baby" on the other end because it makes my heart beat fast and I get butterflies in my stomach.

As much as I look forward to it, I forget how much it hurts when I hang up the phone. For the rest of the day all I am thinking is: Did i tell him I loved him enough? When will he call me again? And I am fighting back tears for the rest of the day.

Then I get to come home and deal with family and then wedding bullshit. This wedding is becoming more expensive that I have ever imagined. I know our parents are helping and we will be able to afford it with money to spare but I never spend money on ANYTHING so spending this much money in one sitting is making me sick to my stomach.

Needless to say,

I am READY for him to be home and help me plan this wedding!!!

But on a brighter note.... TOMORROW IS JUNE!!!! There goes a month, now is the rest could fly by that would be dandy, PLEASE&THANK YOU =)

Its funny how life turns out

I don't know why or how but someone from my past keeps haunting me this week and its BOTHERING THE HELL OUT OF ME.

I just find it crazy that someone can be such a big part of your life and be your bestfriend and then disappear. Not that I haven't made the effort in the last fucking 4 years to fix things! It is just so aggravating.

I can't even get a "congrats. I'm so happy for you". NOTHING. When this was someone that I shared everything with. That I would and still would do anything for- even after ALL the shit they put me through.

I just don't understand.

I want to get in touch with them and say something but then I would be opening a whole can of worms and its not worth it. So I guess I will just continue on with my life and wonder where down the road did I lose a friend?

I don't know

I have hit a block in this wedding planning and have realized that I have NO IDEA what kind of wedding I want. One day I want to just go to the bahamas and get married, the next its a laid back wedding with a clam bake and this morning it was a formal wedding by the river. I just dont know and i wish i did. It would make my life so much easier!


Even though there are so many things that i dont know. There are some things that i do know!


I know that no matter what kind of wedding I have, I am still going to be married to my one and only at the end of that day.
I know that everything will fall into place.
I know what I want my bridesmaids/ groomsmen to look like
I know that my future husband will be looking absolutely stunning at the end of the aisle.
I know that once those doors to the church open I am going to start crying.
I know the songs that will be played
I know who (for the most part) will be invited
I know what church
I know that we have our photographer already.




I guess even though I am stressed about about a reception venue, I am on the right track. I have a good amount of time before I REALLLLLLY need to stress out.




Besides this wedding, everything has been going okay. Can't remember the last time I wrote but Kyle has left and is safe and sound in his destination. Have gotten a couple of calls which I will treasure until the next call. I know that he can't be here physically but I know he is always with me. Right before he left he told me " if you miss me, look at your left ring finger and know that that ring holds all of heart, soul and love for you. I will be with you everyday". Needless to say, when I miss him, I look at that ring and know that I can't wait for the rest of my life to start.


so tell him to hurry home so we can get married!

This pretty much sums it up...

If you have never loved a Marine, then you wouldn’t know how it feels to watch him leave, never knowing when you will see his face again. You wouldn’t know the pain endured and tears shed with every good-bye. You wouldn't know how it feels to hope and pray he comes back the same man you fell in love with. You wouldn’t know how it feels to cry yourself to sleep for months on end, and the longing to simply touch his cheek. You wouldn’t know the heartache after missing his long awaited call or the hint of happiness when you realize that you are now able to listen to the voicemail over and over again. You wouldn’t understand why a Friday night on the phone with him beats going out with the girls. You haven’t truly felt the lack of sleep until after those long phone calls that go on until midnight his time, six A.M. yours when you have to get up for work at seven.

If you’ve never loved a Marine you wouldn’t know how it feels to go to a restaurant or to the mall, attempting not to notice couples holding hands, trying to hold back tears, knowing it will be twenty seven weeks until your fingers are once more intertwined in his.

If you’ve never had a Marine sweetheart, you would never be able to comprehend the immense pride that fills your smile when you wear his sweatshirt with 'USMC' across your chest, or the reason you wear his dog tags: to always keep him close to your heart♥. You wouldn’t know what its like to cuddle up in his clothes and grasp the teddy bear he made you last week, knowing that its the closest to him you can get. You wouldn’t understand how decorating the back of your car with bumper stickers could ever be cool, and the connection you feel with another whose car wears the same emblem as your own. You wouldn’t know the sacrifice, the willingness to let go of someone you love so much for the good of faceless strangers who would not have spared him a passing glance, had he been in his civilian clothes. You wouldn’t know the feeling of uncertainty, never knowing where he will be sent next year, or next week. You would never know how it feels to be left alone with your hopes, dreams, and fears, to have your whole future hanging in the balance of the next couple months until he comes home.

If you’ve never loved a Marine, you would never fully know the meaning of the phrase: 'Semper Fi.' You wouldn’t be able to comprehend the anxiousness of waiting for the mailman, the extreme joy when a letter finally arrives, and the tears that follows as you read his quick scribbled handwriting. You wouldn't ever have to send a letter with its stamp upside down to a faraway camp in a land you rather not know about. You wouldn’t understand the anticipation leading up to the day when you can once again hold him in your arms. You wouldn’t know why that feeling of awe over a man in uniform, has suddenly become a deep longing and grief because you miss your man so much.

If your heart has never belonged to a Marine you wouldn’t know what it’s like to become ecstatic when you see a man in dress blues across a billboard, freak out when you watch the commercial on T.V., and feel your chest tighten when you read a sign that says ‘Support our Troops, Bring Them Home!’ You wouldn’t understand this because you do not realize that he wanted to fight, and as much as you need him, you know our country needed him more. You'll never understand the strength you have to muster up to be strong and put on a smile for the world, even though you feel so weak inside.

Unless you've loved a Marine, you wouldn’t know that the meaning behind his girl’s smile is heartache and longing, pride and joy, willingness and uncertainty, and a love great enough to cross oceans, encompass deserts, transcend mountains, and overcome anything that comes between the two of them.

I JUST DONT KNOWW

ANYYYYTHING

I dont knowwhat to feel
or what to say
or what to think
or if we can afford this gorgeous place
or if we are gunna settle
or if its gunna rain
or when we are gunna get married
or ANYTING.

merrr.

Well its official

We know when he is leaving, and lets just say its too close for comfort.

I have been going through a lot of different emotions. I find myself VERY emotional in the morning and laying down for bed. It is because those are the two times that I get to talk to him. Everyday on my way into work I give him a call to say good morning and tell him I love him. After hanging up the phone today, I burst into tears because I am not going to get many more of those phone calls and that hurts.

I am so happy that I have work. Once I got in, there was so much to get done that I didn't have time to dwell on the negative.

I can tell that he is going through his own sadness as well. He has become so distant because he feels that he needs to get use to it. I told him today that this is NOT the time to be distant. We only have a few more days to be as close as we are gunna get for teh next seven months.

Well its safe to say that this week will have its up and definate downs but I know everything will be okay and I'll be in California in seven months waiting to be in his arms again.

Stay strong and be safe Kyle Matthew <3 I love you.

June 16, 2012

.... Will be the day I say "I do" to the man that I love.

And I will have some crazy bitches standing next to me at the alter! Finally asked the last girl to be my bridesmaid. Say hello to my crazy ass bridal party

MAID OF HONOR- My sister Maggie

BRIDESMAID- Kyle's Sister Stephanie

and BRIDESMAID- Lori- My brother girlfriend but have been friends since HS.

YAYYY! I am so excited that they all know and I dont have to keep it a secret anymoreeee!
And this is what I am thinking for their dresses but in RED:

So that part is done and next week I made two appointments with wedding venues. Tuesday I go see Anthonys Ocean View and Wednesday I see the Inn at Villa Bianca. Hopefully they will be somewhat affordable and nice. Keeping my fingers crosssed.

Did hurt when the receptionist asked when me and my fiance would be in. Had to hold back the tears and tell her he is unable to come and that my sister would be with me. Just gotta get use to it i guess.

until next time!

Sooo much to catch up on...

Well there certainly is ALOT to write about since the last entry...

The rest of predeployment leave went amazing. Spending all the time  I could with him before he left was more than I could ever ask for. But there is one day that I want to relive over in my head alll over again.

Friday April 8, 2011.

Ky woke up early to get his haircut before our photoshoot later that afternoon. I woke up a little later to a text saying that coffee was in the kitchen for me. I went upstairs, had coffee and talked with his grandma for about an hour. I then got a phone call from him asking if I was dressed. I told him that I was in sweats and he told me to get changed because we were going to go up to Case Mountain becuase he knows I wanted to go up and he wanted to make sure we had time before he left. (Case Mountain is where we went on ur first date and since then we call it Our Mountain) Once he got home, his mom made us sandwiches and we headed to the moutain. Granted I almost DIED walking up because I haven't worked out in FOREVER! Anyways, we got up to the top and sat on the bench to have lunch. After our sandwiches and chips, he said he had dessert and gave me a box to open which was choclate covered strawberries. He had also pulled out chamagne to drink with it. After filling up on that, he asked me to dance- just like he had on our first date. After dancing and laughing and talking it was time to head back to the house to get ready for the photoshoot.

As we were standing there ready to leave, all I heard was "I love you very much". As i turn to tell him that I love him, he is down on one knee with a ring in his hand saying " Colleen Sarah Swan, will you spend the rest of your life with me?"

It is a moment that I will NEVER forget. I remember covering my mouth and asking if he was serious and someewhere in that time i yelled YYES. And of course I cried LIKE A BABY!

I now get to say that on June 16, 2012, I get to marry the man of my dreams!!!!!


So predeployment leave is over and I have been doing good. Of course the day of and the day after we said goodbye was hard but I am so lucky that I have work to keep me busy. And nowww I get to plan a wedding! Ky and I will be sitting down tonight via skype and hopefully making a list of reception venues for me to look at!

So now this blog will not only be me complaining about him being away for seven months but It will also be my escape to vent about wedding planning!

GET READYYY!!

Until next time
<3 Colleen

Bittersweet moments

I haven't written in a while because it is offically pre deployment leave and I would much rather be with him than be typing on the computer! But tonight I am at home alone because I have to work in the morning BOO! It has been so great to have him home. Its bitter sweet. I am soooo happy to have him home and be in his arms and joke around but when i'm alone I feel this knife in my stomach and tears in my eyes because I know whats coming.


In about a week, I will say my longest see you soon before he returns to california and then eventally overseas. I don't even think I can fully describe all of the feelings that are in my stomach at this moment. I am soo happy to be with him but i'm soo sad and scared and nervous too. BLAH! It's so weird.


Anyways, Just a short update because the longer ones will start to come soon. Thanks for listening =)

That boy still gives me butterflies

EMV is finally over and got to have a long awaited date night with my handsome. It was sooo good to see him and actually be able to talk and laugh.

(He will kill me if he ever sees this)

Counting down the days til he comes come- Eight <3
I don't know what i'm looking forward to the most. For some odd reason I have been DYING to climb a mountain with him. Its like a symbol of our relationship. We will keep going up hand in hand til we hit the top together. On our first date he brought me up to a mountain top and we danced and watched the skyline of Hartford. It was perfect. And then fireworks started going off and he tried to tell me he paid someone millions of dollars to do that.

I'm also reallllly looking forward to getting our pictures taken. Found a photographer who will be meeting us on April 8th for a free photoshoot through Operation Love Reuinted for a predeployment shoot. I just have NO IDEA what i'm going to wear.  Guess I'm gunna have to get a new outfit :)

Until next time,

Colleen

The start of a very emotional rollercoaster

So this weekend has had definate ups and downs. Lets start from the beginning.

Friday- Friday started as any normal day and work was fine (besides getting yelled at for no reason) but the hard thing that happened at work was that one of the little ladies that I am close to was put onto hospice and was taking a quick downturn. She waves goodbye to be every night when I leave the office and it was hard to go into her room and see her the way she was. When I got home I was already emotional from everything that had happened at work and it didn't get any better. The second I walk into the house it seemed as if it was Pick on Colleen Day. I let them all say what they had to and just choked back tears.

Finally later that night I was able to lay in bed and read and have very nice quite time. That is until my mom came in to say goodnight. She asked why I kept saying that I can't wait to get out of this house and thats when the flood gates started. I couldn't hold it in. I told her how scared I was and that no one in this house understands what I'm going through at all. I can't say anything about Kyle without my sister rolling her eyes. I know she is going through her own thing and is just jealous but its hurtful. So through the whole conversation I finally got all of my tears out that I had been holding for a long time that I was even hyperventatling. It was pretty scary. The last time that happened was at Sharon's funeral and I never thought it would happen again.

Saturday was better but was still an emotional day. I realized that a month from Saturday would be the last time I get to kiss Kyle for seven- plus months. I will not be able to send him off so the last time I get to see him will be predeployment leave. It is still unbelievable that it has come so fast. Never thought it would but just gotta work through it.

And today. No complaints. It has been any normal Sunday. Making porkchops for dinner. Should be delicious. Other than that, Army Wives and Coming Home are on tonight so i'll need the tissues again for that.

Thats my update for the weekend! Counting down the days till I see that handsome boyfriend of mine come down the stairs at Bradley Airport <3

ugh.

I know (or at least i think i know) that its normal for Kyle to be all worried about me cheating on him while he is away but jeeeeeze, he has taken it to a new level. I have never ever EVER given him even an inkling for a reason to think that I would do anything. Its just so frusterating. And not for nothing, I have changed my ways of snooping even though I had every right to snoop at the time being.

I'm trying to be supportive and just go with it and remind him that nothing is going to happen and that he is the only one I love, but I have question after question thrown at me about EVERYTHING. Its almost like he is TRYING to find something. He can look allll he wants because he will NEVER find anything.

I know there are so many things in his mind about this deployment but everytime I ask him if he wants to talk about it he says no. Hopefully when he is home we will be able to sit down and have an actually conversation about it because unfortunately we cant run from it anymore. We have our backs up against a wall and there is no way of getting out of it. We went for so long pushing it off saying "its still so far away" but its not anymore. I just hope that he will have the comfort of knowing (even though he already should) that nothing is going to happen and that I love him. When I tell him that I want to spend the rest of my life with him, I'm not lying.

This whole spirt of his anxiety and nervousness is scarying meee. I'm trying my best to comfort him. I just hope its working

On another note, started tanning today for our biggg photo shoot. Well its not really that big but we are gunna get our pictures done while he is home for pre deployment leave. Found an amazing photographer who is gunna take our pictures so im super excited. So of courseee I cant be pale! Start my working out on Wednesday. Figured i would start it on the start of lent as I'm giving up my afternoon snack =( maybe ill lose some pounds to go with it!!!

SERIOUSLYYY

I have to say, I am very proud of myself for being strong lately but today just SUCKED. Drove into work to see the flag at half mast. Then learn that a soldier in a nearby town was killed in Afghanistan on Monday. Tried to shake it off and keep working but later on in the afternoon I had an unexpected bump in the road at work and felt myself getting teary eyed. Got home from work and learn that the Supreme Court ruled that it is okay for the Westboro Baptist Church to picket outside of military funerals. COME ON ARE YOU SERIOUS!

I don't want to think about Kyle never coming home but it will always be in the back of my mind and come forward when I have days like these. He is out there protecting our country and these people have the NERVE to hold up signs that say "God hates dead soldiers" ???

It makes me soooo angry but then It makes me even prouder of the man that I love

So since I got that off my chest, I am going to cuddle up in his clothes, watch tv and have myself some hot chocolate and go to bed =) hoping for a better day tomorrow.

Day three of EMV (haha that rhymes)

Day three.. what can I say. It is as i expect it to be. Little communication. Only get a handful of texts during the day (if i'm lucky) and a 1-3 minute phone call at bedtime. Guess its a way to get use to no communication at all. So instead of waiting around for a text that I may not get I have been trying to keep busy. Yesterday, I went out to lunch with my best friend who came home from Cali (for now). I haven't seen him since July so it was soooo good to finally have SOMEONE. And today I continued with my scrapbook. I started it during the summer before I started working and figured I would pick it back up. I don't want to toot my own horn but I think it's coming out really good =)

Tuesday starts March, which I have mixed emotions about. It makes me closer to predeployment leave but the big bad D word comes after that. It feels like its coming on so fast when I have known about it for almost a year now. I remember when Kyle told me thinking "we still have forever". Well forever is closing in.

I guess it is a good thing that I started writing on this because it is a way for me to get all my feelings out. I dont like to talk to kyle about it because I have this feeling that I should be the strong one and show him that i'll be just fine when hes gone. But in reality i'm starting to freak out. It is hard not to know what the next year is going to bring. I also am not the type to dump my problems on other people. As a social worker, I have been taught to listen. Listen to everyones problems, struggles, and good times but I am never the one that just has someone listen to me. I would rather hold it all in until i find someway to deal with it.

Well this is my new way of dealing with it, hopefully it works. It has been  thus far!

I haven't done this in years...

So the last time I did a "blog" was back in middle/high school when Live Journal was still around. Actually found it the other day and thought it would be good to start it again so thank you Ashleigh for getting me started!

So a little about me... I am 22 years old. I graduated from college with my bachelors in social work and currently work as a social worker in a nursing home. You would think that I have my life on track but unfortunately the most important thing in my life is missing. My boyfriend is a United States Marine and our entire relationship has been long distance and that distance will be even longer as he is getting ready to deploy. Since this blog will mainly be based on my feelings during our first deployment, I will give you a little background to us.

We met in September of 2009 at a party. Noticed him when we got there and thought that he was a freshman and that was why I had never seen him before. Later on in the night, a mutual friend (his bestfriend) introduced us and I guess you can say the rest was history. Our relationship has been based mainly on Skype Dates, which I love. Of course its not the same as being together but it is all I can get for right now. This deployment will be the first as a couple and also his first. It feels like it is right around the corner which makes each day harder. So if your following, get ready for the good, the bad and the sad because I can only imagine what this deployment is going to bring!

Enjoy,
Colleen