Like today...
Yes, getting a phone call is amazing. As I pick up the phone at work and say "Good afternoon, This is Colleen" I pray that I will hear "Hi Baby" on the other end because it makes my heart beat fast and I get butterflies in my stomach.
As much as I look forward to it, I forget how much it hurts when I hang up the phone. For the rest of the day all I am thinking is: Did i tell him I loved him enough? When will he call me again? And I am fighting back tears for the rest of the day.
Then I get to come home and deal with family and then wedding bullshit. This wedding is becoming more expensive that I have ever imagined. I know our parents are helping and we will be able to afford it with money to spare but I never spend money on ANYTHING so spending this much money in one sitting is making me sick to my stomach.
Needless to say,
I am READY for him to be home and help me plan this wedding!!!
But on a brighter note.... TOMORROW IS JUNE!!!! There goes a month, now is the rest could fly by that would be dandy, PLEASE&THANK YOU =)
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Its funny how life turns out
I don't know why or how but someone from my past keeps haunting me this week and its BOTHERING THE HELL OUT OF ME.
I just find it crazy that someone can be such a big part of your life and be your bestfriend and then disappear. Not that I haven't made the effort in the last fucking 4 years to fix things! It is just so aggravating.
I can't even get a "congrats. I'm so happy for you". NOTHING. When this was someone that I shared everything with. That I would and still would do anything for- even after ALL the shit they put me through.
I just don't understand.
I want to get in touch with them and say something but then I would be opening a whole can of worms and its not worth it. So I guess I will just continue on with my life and wonder where down the road did I lose a friend?
I just find it crazy that someone can be such a big part of your life and be your bestfriend and then disappear. Not that I haven't made the effort in the last fucking 4 years to fix things! It is just so aggravating.
I can't even get a "congrats. I'm so happy for you". NOTHING. When this was someone that I shared everything with. That I would and still would do anything for- even after ALL the shit they put me through.
I just don't understand.
I want to get in touch with them and say something but then I would be opening a whole can of worms and its not worth it. So I guess I will just continue on with my life and wonder where down the road did I lose a friend?
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
I don't know
I have hit a block in this wedding planning and have realized that I have NO IDEA what kind of wedding I want. One day I want to just go to the bahamas and get married, the next its a laid back wedding with a clam bake and this morning it was a formal wedding by the river. I just dont know and i wish i did. It would make my life so much easier!
Even though there are so many things that i dont know. There are some things that i do know!
I know that no matter what kind of wedding I have, I am still going to be married to my one and only at the end of that day.
I know that everything will fall into place.
I know what I want my bridesmaids/ groomsmen to look like
I know that my future husband will be looking absolutely stunning at the end of the aisle.
I know that once those doors to the church open I am going to start crying.
I know the songs that will be played
I know who (for the most part) will be invited
I know what church
I know that we have our photographer already.
I guess even though I am stressed about about a reception venue, I am on the right track. I have a good amount of time before I REALLLLLLY need to stress out.
Besides this wedding, everything has been going okay. Can't remember the last time I wrote but Kyle has left and is safe and sound in his destination. Have gotten a couple of calls which I will treasure until the next call. I know that he can't be here physically but I know he is always with me. Right before he left he told me " if you miss me, look at your left ring finger and know that that ring holds all of heart, soul and love for you. I will be with you everyday". Needless to say, when I miss him, I look at that ring and know that I can't wait for the rest of my life to start.
so tell him to hurry home so we can get married!
Even though there are so many things that i dont know. There are some things that i do know!
I know that no matter what kind of wedding I have, I am still going to be married to my one and only at the end of that day.
I know that everything will fall into place.
I know what I want my bridesmaids/ groomsmen to look like
I know that my future husband will be looking absolutely stunning at the end of the aisle.
I know that once those doors to the church open I am going to start crying.
I know the songs that will be played
I know who (for the most part) will be invited
I know what church
I know that we have our photographer already.
I guess even though I am stressed about about a reception venue, I am on the right track. I have a good amount of time before I REALLLLLLY need to stress out.
Besides this wedding, everything has been going okay. Can't remember the last time I wrote but Kyle has left and is safe and sound in his destination. Have gotten a couple of calls which I will treasure until the next call. I know that he can't be here physically but I know he is always with me. Right before he left he told me " if you miss me, look at your left ring finger and know that that ring holds all of heart, soul and love for you. I will be with you everyday". Needless to say, when I miss him, I look at that ring and know that I can't wait for the rest of my life to start.
so tell him to hurry home so we can get married!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
This pretty much sums it up...
If you have never loved a Marine, then you wouldn’t know how it feels to watch him leave, never knowing when you will see his face again. You wouldn’t know the pain endured and tears shed with every good-bye. You wouldn't know how it feels to hope and pray he comes back the same man you fell in love with. You wouldn’t know how it feels to cry yourself to sleep for months on end, and the longing to simply touch his cheek. You wouldn’t know the heartache after missing his long awaited call or the hint of happiness when you realize that you are now able to listen to the voicemail over and over again. You wouldn’t understand why a Friday night on the phone with him beats going out with the girls. You haven’t truly felt the lack of sleep until after those long phone calls that go on until midnight his time, six A.M. yours when you have to get up for work at seven.
If you’ve never loved a Marine you wouldn’t know how it feels to go to a restaurant or to the mall, attempting not to notice couples holding hands, trying to hold back tears, knowing it will be twenty seven weeks until your fingers are once more intertwined in his.
If you’ve never had a Marine sweetheart, you would never be able to comprehend the immense pride that fills your smile when you wear his sweatshirt with 'USMC' across your chest, or the reason you wear his dog tags: to always keep him close to your heart♥. You wouldn’t know what its like to cuddle up in his clothes and grasp the teddy bear he made you last week, knowing that its the closest to him you can get. You wouldn’t understand how decorating the back of your car with bumper stickers could ever be cool, and the connection you feel with another whose car wears the same emblem as your own. You wouldn’t know the sacrifice, the willingness to let go of someone you love so much for the good of faceless strangers who would not have spared him a passing glance, had he been in his civilian clothes. You wouldn’t know the feeling of uncertainty, never knowing where he will be sent next year, or next week. You would never know how it feels to be left alone with your hopes, dreams, and fears, to have your whole future hanging in the balance of the next couple months until he comes home.
If you’ve never loved a Marine, you would never fully know the meaning of the phrase: 'Semper Fi.' You wouldn’t be able to comprehend the anxiousness of waiting for the mailman, the extreme joy when a letter finally arrives, and the tears that follows as you read his quick scribbled handwriting. You wouldn't ever have to send a letter with its stamp upside down to a faraway camp in a land you rather not know about. You wouldn’t understand the anticipation leading up to the day when you can once again hold him in your arms. You wouldn’t know why that feeling of awe over a man in uniform, has suddenly become a deep longing and grief because you miss your man so much.
If your heart has never belonged to a Marine you wouldn’t know what it’s like to become ecstatic when you see a man in dress blues across a billboard, freak out when you watch the commercial on T.V., and feel your chest tighten when you read a sign that says ‘Support our Troops, Bring Them Home!’ You wouldn’t understand this because you do not realize that he wanted to fight, and as much as you need him, you know our country needed him more. You'll never understand the strength you have to muster up to be strong and put on a smile for the world, even though you feel so weak inside.
Unless you've loved a Marine, you wouldn’t know that the meaning behind his girl’s smile is heartache and longing, pride and joy, willingness and uncertainty, and a love great enough to cross oceans, encompass deserts, transcend mountains, and overcome anything that comes between the two of them.
If you’ve never loved a Marine you wouldn’t know how it feels to go to a restaurant or to the mall, attempting not to notice couples holding hands, trying to hold back tears, knowing it will be twenty seven weeks until your fingers are once more intertwined in his.
If you’ve never had a Marine sweetheart, you would never be able to comprehend the immense pride that fills your smile when you wear his sweatshirt with 'USMC' across your chest, or the reason you wear his dog tags: to always keep him close to your heart♥. You wouldn’t know what its like to cuddle up in his clothes and grasp the teddy bear he made you last week, knowing that its the closest to him you can get. You wouldn’t understand how decorating the back of your car with bumper stickers could ever be cool, and the connection you feel with another whose car wears the same emblem as your own. You wouldn’t know the sacrifice, the willingness to let go of someone you love so much for the good of faceless strangers who would not have spared him a passing glance, had he been in his civilian clothes. You wouldn’t know the feeling of uncertainty, never knowing where he will be sent next year, or next week. You would never know how it feels to be left alone with your hopes, dreams, and fears, to have your whole future hanging in the balance of the next couple months until he comes home.
If you’ve never loved a Marine, you would never fully know the meaning of the phrase: 'Semper Fi.' You wouldn’t be able to comprehend the anxiousness of waiting for the mailman, the extreme joy when a letter finally arrives, and the tears that follows as you read his quick scribbled handwriting. You wouldn't ever have to send a letter with its stamp upside down to a faraway camp in a land you rather not know about. You wouldn’t understand the anticipation leading up to the day when you can once again hold him in your arms. You wouldn’t know why that feeling of awe over a man in uniform, has suddenly become a deep longing and grief because you miss your man so much.
If your heart has never belonged to a Marine you wouldn’t know what it’s like to become ecstatic when you see a man in dress blues across a billboard, freak out when you watch the commercial on T.V., and feel your chest tighten when you read a sign that says ‘Support our Troops, Bring Them Home!’ You wouldn’t understand this because you do not realize that he wanted to fight, and as much as you need him, you know our country needed him more. You'll never understand the strength you have to muster up to be strong and put on a smile for the world, even though you feel so weak inside.
Unless you've loved a Marine, you wouldn’t know that the meaning behind his girl’s smile is heartache and longing, pride and joy, willingness and uncertainty, and a love great enough to cross oceans, encompass deserts, transcend mountains, and overcome anything that comes between the two of them.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
I JUST DONT KNOWW
ANYYYYTHING
I dont knowwhat to feel
or what to say
or what to think
or if we can afford this gorgeous place
or if we are gunna settle
or if its gunna rain
or when we are gunna get married
or ANYTING.
merrr.
I dont knowwhat to feel
or what to say
or what to think
or if we can afford this gorgeous place
or if we are gunna settle
or if its gunna rain
or when we are gunna get married
or ANYTING.
merrr.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Well its official
We know when he is leaving, and lets just say its too close for comfort.
I have been going through a lot of different emotions. I find myself VERY emotional in the morning and laying down for bed. It is because those are the two times that I get to talk to him. Everyday on my way into work I give him a call to say good morning and tell him I love him. After hanging up the phone today, I burst into tears because I am not going to get many more of those phone calls and that hurts.
I am so happy that I have work. Once I got in, there was so much to get done that I didn't have time to dwell on the negative.
I can tell that he is going through his own sadness as well. He has become so distant because he feels that he needs to get use to it. I told him today that this is NOT the time to be distant. We only have a few more days to be as close as we are gunna get for teh next seven months.
Well its safe to say that this week will have its up and definate downs but I know everything will be okay and I'll be in California in seven months waiting to be in his arms again.
Stay strong and be safe Kyle Matthew <3 I love you.
I have been going through a lot of different emotions. I find myself VERY emotional in the morning and laying down for bed. It is because those are the two times that I get to talk to him. Everyday on my way into work I give him a call to say good morning and tell him I love him. After hanging up the phone today, I burst into tears because I am not going to get many more of those phone calls and that hurts.
I am so happy that I have work. Once I got in, there was so much to get done that I didn't have time to dwell on the negative.
I can tell that he is going through his own sadness as well. He has become so distant because he feels that he needs to get use to it. I told him today that this is NOT the time to be distant. We only have a few more days to be as close as we are gunna get for teh next seven months.
Well its safe to say that this week will have its up and definate downs but I know everything will be okay and I'll be in California in seven months waiting to be in his arms again.
Stay strong and be safe Kyle Matthew <3 I love you.
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